Everything At Once
by hamsterpickle1313
Summary: Elliot blows up at Olivia, hurting her both emotionally and physically, and everything is happening too fast.  Can he fix things between them before it's too late?  EO.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I must not tell lies… I must not tell lies… I must not tell lies… I DON'T OWN IT!

**Timeframe:** Season Six

**Summary: **Elliot blows up at Olivia, hurting her both emotionally and physically, and before he can fully explain himself, and old enemy returns. Can he fix things between them before it's too late?

**A/N:** FINALLY not a one shot! The world's gonna end…  
-Elliot is divorced  
-~…~indicate thoughts.  
_-this_ indicates memory or emphasis  
-_A_ word_ in __normal text surrounded by italics indicates emphasis in an already italicized phrase.  
_(Didn't wanna confuse anybody.)  
-Also, what I know about medical treatment, etc. is learned from TV, personal experience, and having an ER doctor for a mother. I did a little research to see what treatment is used, but if you see any errors, feel free to point them out!

Enough small talk, on with the story!

* * *

June 7, 2005  
12:01 am

Olivia Benson turned over in her bed, trying to get comfortable. Her back was one massive bruise, her shoulder felt like her arm had been forcibly ripped out of its socket, her head had a bump the size of a baseball on it, and she had cuts all over. In short, she felt like she had run through hell in stilettos during a thunderstorm with a metal rod tied to her back and then gotten beat up by Elliot. After running through the fire. Well, the last part was true. _Bastard_.

_May 23, 2005  
__11:32 pm_

_The view outside the interrogation room window was beautiful, the millions of lighted windows making the Manhattan skyline look like a field full of fireflies. The bluish summer night was completely cloud free, allowing a few odd stars to show through the blanket the city held above itself to hide from the light of night. Inside the interrogation room, the dim light was on to illuminate two detectives embraced in a passionate kiss, though no one was around to see. _

_If one were to walk by however, they would see the sort of kiss one saw in a romance film, the blue eyed detective pushing his copper headed significant other against the table inside, each one fighting for control. The copper headed woman paused for breath and looked up at the blue eyed man, smiling. Then they were kissing again._

_Of course, no one walked by, and no one ever knew for a fact that Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson had admitted their true feelings for each other, had, in fact, made out in an interrogation room. Munch and Fin suspected, but Casey Novak was the only one whose suspicions were ever confirmed._

Olivia could almost have smiled at the memory of that first kiss. Almost, but only almost, because she doubted she'd ever be able to smile again.

This had continued for a while, about two weeks, to be exact. Forbidden kisses, stolen in empty elevators or interrogation rooms or deserted sidewalks while Elliot walked Olivia home (as if she couldn't take care of herself. The escorts to her apartment had been an annoyance that Olivia only put up with for the kisses). On one occasion, they had even been in the car. Tailing a suspect.

And then, today, everything had changed.

_June 6, 2005  
__9:25 am_

_They had been interrogating a suspect, in the same room, in fact, where their first kiss had taken place. The room held no beauty now; now it was just a small, square room equipped with a dim light bulb and a one way mirror. Outside the sky was gray and heavy, the air humid, and the feel of things just overall forbidding. The scene inside was of the same man and woman who had been passionately kissing just two weeks earlier, but now they stood apart. A dark haired man with dark brown, almost black, eyes sat at the table. He would've been handsome if it weren't for the smug smirk on his face and the evil in his heart._

_All of a sudden, though the viewers outside couldn't hear why, Elliot had the suspect pinned in a corner, blow after blow falling on him. Olivia pulled him off the man, who now sported a bloody nose and no smirk, and held him against herself, struggling to restrain him. _

_Before she knew what was happening, Elliot had turned on her, thrown her. She was flying through the air, and then there was a loud crash, and a flash of pain, and then her vision was blurry. She dimly heard someone yelling, and then her vision faded completely and she heard no more._

_June 6, 2005  
__2:37 pm_

_Olivia woke to find herself in what was undoubtedly a hospital. She always recognized hospitals almost immediately after waking up in one, due to their extremely unpleasant and unique smell. She hated hospitals. Unfortunately, it was just her luck to choose a profession where she frequently became admitted to them._

_But, back to the matter at hand, why was she here? Olivia pondered over the question for a while. She remembered brining Dan Walker in to be questioned, then… what? She remembered glass shattering, pain, yelling… oh yeah._

_Her bastard, no-good, son-of-a-bitch, pus-sucking, __gangrenous malignancy of a mental amoeba__, lousy excuse for a partner had thrown her through the one way mirror. _

_Through the one way mirror._

_The suspect must have been pretty happy to have the attention off of himself for a while._

_Olivia sat up, hating how helpless she felt swaddled up in the starched hospital sheets. The movement hurt her extremely sore muscles. Just in time to interrupt her self-pitying thoughts, the door opened, and a kindly looking woman in scrubs walked in._

"_You feel okay honey?"_

_And even though she didn't, Olivia wanted out of there. "Yeah."_

"_Okay, we just got back the results on your cat scan, and there's no bleeding, which is good. Do you remember why you're here?"_

_Olivia nodded vigorously, then winced almost imperceptibly at the dagger it sent shooting through her head._

"_Umm. Yeah. My partner threw me through a one way mirror."_

_The nurse chuckled at her tone. "That's good. You'll need to put ice on your head if it starts swelling or hurting and you can take two acetaminophen pills every four to six hours as needed."_

_Olivia nodded again, more gently this time. "Can I go now?"_

_The nurse chuckled again. "Sure. You'll need to come back in a month or so for a check up, just to make sure you don't have any later effects. You know, you're really lucky you had only a mild concussion. Most people would've been out for at least a day with a bump that size."_

_Olivia smirked. "I've always had a hard head."_

"_Well then, you just need to sign the discharge papers at the front desk and then you can go."_

_Olivia ripped off the sheets and stood up, swaying unsteadily for a moment before noticing her shoes were gone. She opened her mouth to inquire as to why her shoes were missing without her permission, then the nurse handed them to her._

"_Thanks."_

"_No problem sweetie."_

_Olivia signed the papers at the front desk, then continued on her way. She stopped dead when she entered the waiting room to see the entire squad staring at her, except for Elliot, who was staring at his feet._

_Munch was the first to speak. His eyes lit up gleefully. _

"_Fin? Twenty five dollars." _

_Olivia felt like rolling her eyes, but, wary of the pain it might cause her, refrained. She watched as Fin grudgingly took the cash out of his pocket and slapped it into his partner's hand, mumbling about "miraculous recoveries" and "kicking your bony ass." Olivia, unable to stop herself, felt her lip curl into a half smile. Casey was next._

_She rushed up, pulling Olivia over to sit down. "You okay Liv?"_

"_Of course. Only way they ever let me leave this place."_

_Casey chuckled, and Olivia was surprised. She didn't recall ever hearing Casey chuckle. Maybe it was built up tension. She then guiltily noticed a cut running down the right side of her friend's face. _

"_Did I do that?"_

_Casey shifted, suddenly uncomfortable. She searched for an answer, finally settling on an, "it's nothing."_

_Olivia immediately felt guilty, but then remembered her partner. ~He better have a damn good explanation for this!~ _

_Cragen finally said something, "Well I, for one, am glad you're okay. If you need some time off, take it."_

"_Of course I don't want time off!"_

_Fin smirked and turned to his partner. "You owe me ten bucks."_

_Munch groaned. "That's not fair," he grumbled, handing over the money. Olivia sighed. ~Glad to see they care about my well-being.~_

"_Well," said Cragen, "I expected you'd say that, but you're still home for at least a day or two. If you're sure you're okay, then back to work everyone! Except for you Elliot, you're home until I say otherwise." He stood up and turned to face them all, waiting expectantly for them to follow. They did, filing out of the hospital like a line of schoolchildren._

_As she was leaving the precinct after gathering her things, Olivia walked out the door to realize that Elliot had driven her to work that day. She was half tempted to ask Munch or Fin to drive her home, but when she turned around to walk straight into _him. _Of course._

_Elliot shuffled his feet. "Olivia."_

_She matched his cool tone. "Elliot."_

"_Umm… well, do you need a ride home?"_

_Olivia ground her teeth. "Yeah, thanks," she said stiffly._

_It was on the way back to her apartment that he said it. Those words, the words that cut Olivia to her core. Made her realize that she's just been a distraction, that he just wanted to get into her pants, and when she didn't immediately invite him to stay the night, he left. She realized that the man that she's loved for years will never feel anything for her. _

"_I can't do this anymore."_

"_But-"_

"_Our feelings don't matter."_

_She jumped out of the car a full block from her apartment building, sprinting blindly the whole way, ignoring the hot tears that flowed down her face. _

June 7, 2005  
12:02 am

Which brought her back to the present. Lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling, wishing she had never left it this morning. Yesterday morning, whatever. Because if she hadn't, if she had never left her bed, never kissed Elliot, never taken his car to work, this wouldn't be happening. She wouldn't be miserable. She wouldn't be suffering from a case of depression-induced insomnia. She wouldn't have gotten her heart and body broken by the only man she's ever managed to trust.

* * *

And on that cheerful note… TBC.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N: **I have no knowledge of Manhattan/New York City geography other than what is stated on the show. No clue whatsoever how far it is from the precinct to Central Park to the DA's office, so bear with me. Feel free to point out any mistakes.

-~…~ indicate thoughts when already italicized.  
-_This_ indicates memory, thoughts, or emphasis.  
-_A_ word_ in normal text surrounded by italics indicates emphasis in an already italicized phrase._

I remembered! :)

Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed!

* * *

June 8, 2005  
8:30 am

The morning so far was uneventful. No new cases had been called in yesterday, which meant there were no excuses for falling behind on paperwork. Which meant Olivia had a problem.

It was impossible to concentrate. Every time she put fingers to keyboard, the vision of Elliot, hammering away at his, came to mind. Every time she read over a statement, her thoughts turned to what he had been wearing at the time it was taken. Every time she tried to think, his face dominated her mind. Every time his face dominated her mind, her hand drifted to the deepest cut, on her upper arm. And every time she remembered that cut, she remembered the words of two days ago.

_Our feelings don't matter. _

Olivia made a resolution then, to call him Detective Stabler in her thoughts. She would distance herself as much as possible from the man who was her partner, use as formal language as possible to ensure she didn't think of him as anything more than a coworker.

It didn't work.

Giving up, Olivia leaned back in her chair and sighed, rubbing one hand over her face. She saw Fin's concerned expression out of her peripheral vision, and took marginal comfort from the fact that he did care about her well-being after all. But that still didn't solve the problem of a certain blue-eyed detective who she happened to be in love with.

Speak of the devil…

Why was he here?

The devil in question stalked across the squad room, making eye contact with no one and saying nothing. He entered the captain's office and slammed the door shut. Olivia winced, feeling the door's pain, and turned back to her paperwork, staring steadily at the blank computer screen, pretending to be completely immersed in what she was doing.

_Hi _

Ctrl+Backspace.

Cragen's door banged open and an extremely angry looking Elliot walked out. He returned to his desk, sitting down with the same force with which he had just opened the door. An equally irritated looking Tucker walked out a few minutes later. Olivia felt no sympathy for her partner. In fact, she felt sorry for Tucker.

How the hell was she supposed to do her job with a partner that she couldn't look at without feeling like she was going to break down?

_Should I request a transfer?_

_No, look how that turned out last time._

_I could try and get into Bronx SVU._

_No._

_Why not?_

_You're in love._

_So? My feelings don't matter. Except when they mean I'm not going to be able to think straight at a crime scene or during a hostage situation. _

_You need the unit. Elliot and this job are the only things you have._

_I have an apartment._

…

_What?_

_You can keep your apartment. Elliot lives in Queens._

_So? Elliot this, Elliot that, is that all you can think about?_

_Yes._

Olivia growled in frustration with herself. _Wait, what?_

Thankfully, her extremely self-pitying thoughts were interrupted when her phone rang.

"Benson."

There was no reply. Olivia would have passed it off as a wrong number if she hadn't worked at Special Victims Unit for so many years. As it was, she almost would have, if it weren't for the familiarity of the voice.

"Hello Olivia."

This was followed by a click as the unknown person hung up. Where had she heard that voice before?

She spoke to the room in general then. "That was weird."

Munch looked up from his rapid scribbling with a pen. "What?"

"I'm not sure if I've just been threatened or an old high school friend randomly found my cell number and decided to call it."

Looking at Munch now, Olivia saw both Elliot's and Fin's heads snap up to fix her in their stares. _Nice to have three overprotective older brothers_, she thought, before she remembered the conversation of two days ago and amended her statement. _Nice to have two overprotective older brothers who care about my welfare and one overprotective partner who's apparently the only one allowed to threaten my welfare._

Elliot's voice was low, dangerous. To Olivia, it was incredibly appealing. _Careful, Benson_.

"What?"

Olivia swallowed, blinked rapidly, and took a deep breath before replying. "Someone just called me. They said 'Hello Olivia,' and hung up. That's it."

"Tell the captain."

She looked at her partner as if he had just suggested she mention the president with Munch and Alex in the same room. "_What?_ Why?"

"Just do it."

Olivia felt anger bubble up inside her instead of hurt. "And _what_ makes you think that you can just order me around as if I'm one of your children? In case you haven't noticed, I'm a full grown woman and a cop, no less. I can watch after myself without running to Cragen with all my problems!"

Elliot looked at her for a long moment before slamming his pen down on the desk. He rose, kicked his chair to the side, and stomped toward the Captain's office. Olivia gaped at him disbelievingly for a moment, then simply left, ignoring Munch and Fin's excited whispering and the raised voices coming from the captain's office.

June 8, 2005  
9:43 am

The hot sun beat down on her shoulders as she walked through Central Park. Happy families who had nothing to do on Sundays played catch in the grass and picnicked at the tables. Harried mothers watched excited children run around and fathers sat together to talk about sports. Olivia suppressed a twinge of bitterness, but the alternative was worse. She started thinking like a cop, thinking how easy it would be for a pedophile or rapist or murderer to find a victim, how no one would notice for a good ten minutes that someone was missing in all the busy confusion.

It was making her miserable.

Because she wanted to be one of those mothers. One of _them_, with a normal life and a normal husband and normal kids, who played sports and went to school. She wanted to have what most people take for granted. She wanted to cleanse her mind of the things no one should ever have to see. She wanted to be blissfully unaware of what _could_ happen, able to focus on the moment.

It is a characteristic of Olivia Benson that she wants all these things. It is a characteristic of Olivia Benson that she wants nothing more than to be normal. It is a characteristic of Olivia Benson that she loves the very two things that keep her from her dream life, and it is a characteristic of Olivia Benson that she knows all of this.

She knows that she can never have a family while she has this job.

And she can never have a family with Elliot, which makes the pain of losing what she's never had sting all the harder.

So, when other people would head to their spouses or boyfriends or girlfriends or lovers or children or parents for comfort, Olivia Benson headed for the DA's office. To talk to the person who was probably the only one who could understand, besides Alex, who was long gone. Her only friends were her coworkers, and the only female friend she had to talk to was the squad's ADA. How sad.

June 8, 2005  
10:17 am

_Of course_, Casey wasn't in her office. _Of course,_ she went to the precinct. _Excellent._ Olivia had just turned around to make her way back to work when she ran into (literally) a delivery boy carrying a bouquet of flowers.

She wasn't paying any attention to the teenager, until he shoved the flowers at her and ran off. _Weird…_

Olivia was going to drop the flowers off at the check in table, until something caught her eye: her name. Written on a small white tag in curly black writing. How the delivery boy knew who she was most definitely was beyond her, but she figured Elliot must have told him what she looked like, being too much of a cowardly pig to bring them to himself. Still, it was the thought that counted. She smiled and waved the matter off with a shrug.

Maybe, just maybe, flowers and a heartfelt apology were enough to make her forgive him.

He would still have a lot of explaining to do.

So, feeling that it was the proper thing to do, Olivia headed back to the precinct. She didn't even think about how Elliot could have possibly known she was at the DA's office.

June 8, 2005  
10:40 am

Olivia strode purposefully down the hallway, liking the way her soft-soled boots made no noise on the floor. Like a ninja. The flowers had put her in a much better mood, and she was beginning to feel that she would forgive Elliot after all. The sight when she entered the squad room made her positive. For a while, at least.

Her entire desk was covered in flowers. All of it.

She made her way over, moving a pot of roses off her chair so she could sit down.

"Elliot, isn't this a little excessive?"

He glared over at her. "Wasn't me."

_What?_

Olivia blushed as she noticed the other occupants of the room staring at her. Now three sets of eagle eyes were on her. One set was Casey's. The evil, intimidating, down to business, In court, glaring kind of eagle eyes.

"Olivia, why would Elliot be sending you flowers?" _Shit._ Casey's tone of voice was the one she used when cross examining a particularly stubborn witness.

Olivia coughed to stall time. "Well… Cause… I mean… he threw me through a mirror two days ago, isn't that enough reason to be giving me flowers?"

Munch and Casey didn't look at all convinced. Fin looked thoughtful.

"_I'd_ give her flowers if _I_ was the one who threw her through a mirror. Not a bad idea, man," he said to Elliot.

Elliot gave him a glare and returned to his computer.

_Why the hell is he so mad anyway? _I'm_ the one who he threw through the mirror!_ Her contemplation was interrupted by Casey, whose voice was terribly suspiscious.

"Are you dating?"

"No!" Olivia and Elliot declared at the same time. Munch and Fin cast each other amused looks. Casey, who was perched on the edge of Munch's desk, smirked.

"Whatever you say."

Elliot cast her his infamous killing-spree-time look. "No, we are not dating. Now change the topic."

Casey shrugged. "Okay."

Olivia nodded. "What he said."

Munch interrupted then. "Well, if Elliot didn't send them, who did?"

Olivia looked down at the mass of colors covering her workspace. "I don't know, wait, there's an envelope."

She took the plain white envelope out of a pot of Lotus Corniculatus. On the front was her name, in letters cut out of a magazine. That should have been her warning, but her curiosity was too much.

Olivia looked at the pieces of paper inside the envelope. Suddenly, she felt herself pale. It was lucky she was sitting down, because she felt faint.

"Oh god," she whispered.

Casey stood up. "What?" Her voice was sharp.

When Olivia didn't reply, she came over and looked down at the cause of her friend's reaction. Her reaction was exactly the same.

"Oh god."

In the small clear space on Olivia's desk lay four pictures and a note. One, time stamped that morning, was of Olivia leaving her apartment. The next was of her getting coffee. The third, walking in Central Park, and the fourth, time stamped just over half an hour ago, was of her entering the DA's office. The note read:

_No hard feelings._

_ -Richard. I'm sure you remember me._

Munch was the third one to appear behind Olivia. His voice was surprisingly soft and non-cynical.

"Oh god."

Sorry if the tense change in Central Park confused anybody. I tried to make it work in past tense, but it sounded weird.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Again? If I owned it, this would be on your TV, not your computer screen.

**A/N: **

As always,

-~…~ indicate thoughts when already italicized.  
-_This_ indicates memory, thoughts, or emphasis.  
-_A_ word_ in normal text surrounded by italics indicates emphasis in an already italicized phrase._

Thanks to all who read and reviewed!

* * *

June 8, 2005  
10:40 am

Olivia just sat there, stunned. This was not happening. This _wasn't _happening. This wasn't _happening_. Munch, apparently the only one with any sense, was the first to act.

"Captain!" he called.

Cragen poked his head out of his office. "Yeah?"

"We have a problem."

He came over and looked at the items on the desk, taking note of how Elliot still hid behind his computer screen, though the typing had ceased.

"Oh god. Munch, Fin, get this into evidence immediately. Benson, you're assigned a protective detail. Stabler, you're gonna stay exactly where you are."

Munch nodded, glad to have orders, while Olivia still sat there, dazed. _Uh-oh_. She now had the detectively gut feeling of "something bad."

She jumped to feel Cragen's hand on her shoulder.

"It's okay," he soothed. "Just go home, get some rest, stay out of the precinct for a while. I'll get your protective detail down here right away."

Olivia noted that the pictures weren't of her in the precinct, and he obviously had her apartment under surveillance. She'd be safer at work. Opening her mouth to say so, she say Elliot looking at her with concern around the edge of his computerw

"What?" She snapped. "Suddenly decided to care about me after all?"

She stalked out of the squad room for the second time that day, leaving behind an exceedingly guilty Elliot, an extremely confused Cragen, and a Casey Novak who was beginning to think she might have an inkling of what was going on.

No one even noticed when the blonde ADA slipped out after the unStabler.

June 8, 2005  
11:44 am

Casey sat in a booth with Elliot Stabler, surveying the man who sat across the table from her with thoughtful eyes. After manipulating him into coming to lunch, she had to suffer through his silence as he finished off his eleventh Coke. When he flagged the waiter down to order another, she decided to intervene.

"Just tap water for him, thanks."

The waiter nodded and walked away.

"What was that for?" his tone was the same one he used when interrogating suspected pedophiles. Casey matched it with her in-court-extremely-scary-lawyer voice.

"Because if you keep drinking caffeine, you are going to have an extremely unpleasant sugar crash later on, causing your temper to become short, your mood to become grumpy, and your voice to become angry, thus ensuring that there is no way you will be able to fix things between you and Olivia."

"What makes you think there's something to fix between me and Olivia?"

Casey snorted. "What makes you think anyone could possibly believe otherwise?"

Elliot rose halfway. "Whatever. I'm out of here." Casey put her hand on his arm.

"Wait."

He growled and slumped down in his seat. The ADA chuckled dryly, amused at the way the detective was acting like a three year old told he wasn't allowed to leave the table without finishing his spinach.

"What?" his voice was weary, drained, the voice of someone who'd lost so much that he had nothing more to lose, a voice nothing like the angry, defensive tone of the Elliot of two minutes ago.

"What's been going on between you and Olivia?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing."

"Yep."

Casey sighed and leaned her elbows on the table.

"You know if neither of you ever admits something is or was going on, it's going to be like this until the stress gets to be too much and one of you either quits or transfers, right?"

Elliot sighed and mirrored her position. "Fine. We were… together. For a while."

"And?"

"I told her our feelings didn't matter."

"You did _what?"_

Her incredulity was interrupted by the return of the waiter with Elliot's water. He grabbed it with a muttered "thanks" and guzzled it down with the same ferocity with which he'd been attacking his sodas.

The lawyer continued. "Let me get this straight… you told Olivia Benson, the detective you've obviously been in love with since _forever_, that your feelings didn't matter."

"Umm. Yeah."

Casey leaned back. "No wonder she's mad at you."

Elliot winced.

"Care to explain? And don't give me that 'I didn't wanna get to close cause I just threw her through a mirror and I don't wanna hurt her' crap."

"That was kinda my reasoning."

"You know that the whole precinct, if not the whole NYPD, not to mention the DA's office, has been betting on you two? You know it was no longer a question of _if_, but _when_? That even _Arthur Branch_ was involved? That the chemistry between you was so obvious that people who don't even know you were putting in hundreds of dollars?"

"Well… no."

"Well they are. And you didn't even stop to wonder if, possibly, breaking up with Olivia could hurt her more than if you'd thrown her through that mirror a hundred times? Good lord Elliot, the woman's been in love with you since I've met you, and Munch has been betting since she broke up with _Cassidy_!"

"Casey, you make it seem like I don't even care what happens to her! Shit, if Cragen ever found out he'd _have_ to reassign one of us! I did it so we could keep being partners!"

"Bull. You probably did it because you were afraid of how hard she was gonna kick your ass when she recovered."

"Did not!"

"Then why did you?"

"Because we were putting each other over the job and if some perp ever found out, if anyone ever put a gun to her head… He'd go free! I wouldn't be able to do anything to possibly hurt her!"

"You didn't seem to care about her that much when you threw her through a mirror."

"I didn't mean to, dammit!"

Her voice was soft now. "Elliot Stabler, that is the absolute _lamest_ excuse I have _ever_ heard for breaking up with a woman. Now I don't pretend to understand your reasoning about _anything_, but I know that's not why."

"Fine. It was a mistake. Now she's never going to forgive me and we'll argue for the rest of our lives. Happy?"

"Well, I certainly wouldn't forgive you. But I haven't been in denial about loving you for the past six years, either. So go get your ass down to her apartment and apologize!"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I just can't."

"Coward. She's not going to kill you unless you do it again."

"I'm not a coward."

"Then prove it. Go on, fix things before it's too late. I'll get the bill."

He stood up slowly, almost uncertainly, the sun shining through the window illuminating his face and sending shadows scattering across his body. He looked down at Casey.

"Thanks."

Her smile was a little bit forced, but Elliot didn't notice.

"No problem."

She hadn't been in denial about being in love with him for six years. She'd just been pining after him for one.

This was, without a doubt, the hardest thing she'd ever had to do.

June 8, 2005  
12:12 pm

Olivia felt like she was watching her body from outside of it. She sat on the couch, watching terrible soap operas with a tub of ice cream on her lap, and yet, she didn't. The fingers that held the spoon and the arm that lifted it to her mouth weren't hers. They belonged to someone else. This Olivia wasn't Olivia Benson. This was a different Olivia, a new one.

The old Olivia wasn't sure she liked the change.

No, she definitely didn't like this new Olivia.

Olivia Benson was living in the past.

And then, just like that, _his_ knock was on the door, and Olivia Benson was back in her own body again. She hesitated to answer it, struggling to her feet and draping the blanket she'd been sheltering under on the back of her couch.

When the knock came again, she'd composed herself.

"Coming!" she called out.

Elliot's voice was one of the only ones that sent tingles racing down her spine. It was the only one that sent _good_ tingles racing down her spine. The words, however, chilled her to the bone.

"Olivia! Don't come out! Call Crag-"

He was cut off with what sounded suspiciously like an elbow to the ribs. In cop mode once more, Olivia snatched her gun from the coffee table. She crept over to the door and slowly twisted the handle, trusting it not to squeak. Then, when she heard no further noise, she yanked it open so hard it slammed against the wall.

The door way was rather blocked by an extremely annoyed Elliot. The only other thing she could see was an arm holding a gun. To Elliot's head. Somehow, she knew it was White.

"Drop the gun!"

His chuckle was the same, exactly the same. It hadn't changed at all in five years. "I was wondering, Olivia, whether you would use the same line all cops invariably do. Apparently so. Tell me, has it ever actually worked for you?"

Olivia kept her cool, despite the fact that her partner, the man she would always love no matter what he did, was being held at gunpoint in front of her apartment.

"Frequently. When it doesn't, people tend to get hurt. Namely the people who instigated the incident in the first place."

"Funny. Do you mind letting us in?"

"Yes, I do mind."

"That's too bad." He pushed Elliot in the door, keeping his gun pressed to the detective's back. Olivia backed up, taking cover behind the couch.

"Let him go, Richard. He has nothing to do with this."

"Hm. Another useless line that you cops use all the time. He has everything to do with _this_."

"Don't be stupid, Richard. You can still walk out of this. Just let him go, put the gun down, and you can walk away."

"Not gonna happen, Olivia."

"Richard, this place is under surveillance by my protective detail. Do you really think it won't be swarming with cops within the next ten minutes?"

"Not anymore."

"What?"

"Your protective detail. Not anymore."

_Oh._

"But there is a solution. You come with me, he walks out of this alive. Otherwise I shoot him and you still come with me, or I shoot you both. Your choice."

Elliot interjected here. "Olivia, don't."

"Shut up." Olivia looked at Richard in surprise when he spoke in perfect unison with her. He winked at her. She felt bile rise in her throat and swallowed, noticing the way Elliot's eyes were fixed on her face, resigned, accepting his fate.

"I love you, Liv."

"I know…"

"Alright, enough. _Liv_, drop the gun. Now!"

She stayed frozen, dreading what she was going to have to do next, what consequences it would have for all of them.

"I said drop it!"

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"It's okay." Elliot's voice was calm.

She felt a tear drip down her cheek. Slowly, she lowered her gun.

"All right, stand up."

Olivia took a deep breath, carefully avoiding Elliot's eyes, eyes the color of blue skies on a warm summer day, eyes that she knew would be full of disbelief. She stood and held her hands out in the universal calming gesture.

"All right Richard, just calm down, okay?"

"Oh, don't try that on me. Kick the gun over here." Olivia did so, fighting the urge to attack. She had been protecting herself so long, since she could remember, and the only way she had found that could consistently block out the pain was to go on the offensive. The best defense is a good offense, as they say.

"Okay Richard, you have the gun, now let Detective Stabler go."

He ignored her. "Pick it up," he commanded Elliot. Olivia held her breath, hoping that the gun would leave Elliot's neck for just a _second_. It didn't. Her partner, following her line of thinking, picked it up and slowly, ever so slowly, started to rise.

She realized what was about to happen just before it did and acted. At the same moment Elliot twisted around to lay fist into White, she jumped forward, grabbing at the man's gun. He rolled over, coming to his feet once more to fire at Elliot.

Time seemed to slow down for Olivia. The two shots, aimed directly for Elliot's chest, one right after another, moved slowly through the air, at the equivalent of a car compared to a military jet. Suddenly, she knew what would happen next. Those two bullets would rip into his chest, embedding themselves in his heart. White would come up with some scheme to escape and execute it perfectly. Olivia would be left with a dead Elliot and a sense of overwhelming guilt.

All of that is what would have happened, had she not seen it coming. Olivia launched herself through the air, covering the distance of eight feet in one leap, pushing Elliot out of the way. Just turning at the sound of the gunshots, he was met by Olivia, crashing into him and knocking them both to the ground.

All of this happened in about a second.

And then time sped up once more, and there was a burning pain in Olivia's calf. Everything was happening at once, and it was all crystal clear. There were no secrets now, only the clean danger of a fight. Well, there probably were still secrets, but no one needed to worry about them.

In that realm of surreal understanding, Olivia made the connection between the bullets and her leg, and with that connection came the realization that she'd been shot.

It didn't hurt as much as she expected. Kind of like getting her ears pierced. It was a burning… shock, and then it was a dull ache, like a hot coal laid on bare skin. It hurt, and then it was a numbing yet painful stabbing sensation. And with that bullet, her crystal clear vision vanished under a veil of red.

She felt someone grab her arms and pull her to her feet and something cold was pressed to her head and someone was talking, Richard, she supposed.

"Follow us and she gets it."

_Gets what?_ She felt like she was floating. All that running and attacking she had been doing her whole life had finally caught up to her, and the surreal feeling she'd had for a week had finally taken over.

Olivia saw Richard drag her down the stairs. She saw him tie her hands together and shove her into his car, and saw him drive away. She saw him wave cheerily at Elliot, who had just gotten out the front door, and she saw his smirk as he looked back at her, lying on the back seat. So this was what it felt like to lose your mind.

And then, just as suddenly as her crystal vision had vanished, the feeling of witnessing her own kidnapping vanished, and the invincible Olivia Benson was invincible no longer. She was now a woman being kidnapped by a psycho rapist who happened to be obsessed with her.

_Not good…_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Okay, I wasn't happy with the way this chapter turned out the last time so I'm re-writing it. It still doesn't seem quite right, but I'm working through a bit of writers' block here, so please bear with me. I'll hopefully be able to post the next chapter tomorrow. Thanks for reading.

-~…~ indicate thoughts when already italicized.  
-_This_ indicates memory, thoughts, or emphasis.  
-_A_ word_ in normal text surrounded by italics indicates emphasis in an already italicized phrase._

* * *

June 8, 2005  
4:56 pm

Olivia woke to the unmistakable sound of police sirens. The shrill rising and falling pitch seemed to echo, drilling through layers of memory and feeling with unbelievable force. How odd, those few notes. Those few notes that summarized everything. Her entire life. Her past. Her present. Her future. Her soul. Those few notes, that meant the world.

At first, all she could think of was how odd it was that there were sirens blaring in her apartment; last she knew, she'd changed Elliot's ringtone to Beethoven's Fifth. Then it came flooding back, with astounding clarity, as her vision and five senses had been fading in an out for the past few weeks. It all came rushing back, in a swift current of light and sound and dread: Richard White, the flowers, the kidnapping, the stomach churning terror of a gun aimed at Elliot's head, and the pounding migraine that had been haunting her since she'd been thrown through the one way mirror. Somehow, for some reason, the flood made her migraine somewhat less painful.

With the return of memory came the return of senses: the hard cloth surface underneath, the coarse twine around her wrists, the faded gray ceiling, and her burning calf. Strangely enough, the calf hurt about as much as a pinprick compared to a knife wound when thought about in relation to her memories.

And all this brought Olivia back to the question at hand; Where the hell _was_ she?

Then it clicked.

The sirens- police cars. She was in a car. The epiphany brought on a flash of triumph, followed by disappointment as she realized she still didn't have a clue how to get herself out of this one. None.

Olivia went back to staring at the ceiling, wondering if she stared at it long enough it would be possible to burn a hole right through it. No such luck; the ceiling remained solid. She jumped suddenly when clap of thunder interrupted the constant, annoying wail.

It was one of the only times in her life Olivia was actually glad to feel those familiar notes, that twinge of annoyance at the high pitched squeal, the same emotions sent shooting through her every time her alarm went off in the morning. She felt glad to feel this way because it was the lovely, mellifluous sound of freedom.

Now that the idea of simply burning a hole through the ceiling and floating away was out, Olivia decided to simply lie still and let things play themselves out.

And then a thought, terrible in its directness, came to her. _Have I been drugged?_ She didn't see how, but with White, anything was possible. Anything.

Olivia vaguely wondered when the rescuers were planning on doing the rescuing. Hopefully sometime soon. And then, just like that, her sense of laziness was gone. The old Olivia Benson was back, taking over the new one, and all would soon be right with the world.

Olivia slowly sat up, shooting furtive glances at the figure in the front, peeking out the back window. The sight behind made her heart leap. Five squad cars drove in a line, weaving red and blue lights flashing. Five.

Well, she knew now never to underestimate Elliot Stabler in a crisis again.

Not that this would be happening again. Because that would be incompetence on her part. In the extreme.

And then, out of nowhere, the car swung sharply to the right, making an illegal U-turn and making Olivia wince despite her unorthodox driving skills. One squad car shot by the opening. Another barely made it.

In the front, the speedometer inched past ninety.

White swerved to avoid something, possibly imaginary. Olivia almost fell over, but caught herself. She heard a single bullet shot ring out, ducked instinctively, and felt the car swerve again. So this was what a chase felt like from the other side.

In the front, the speedometer inched past one hundred.

And then another bullet shot came whistling through the air and the car spun around, almost going off the road. Apparently one of the tires had been blown out.

Olivia doubted White had thought to bring a spare.

And then everything was happening at once again. She had been allowed a brief respite from the workings of the world and now it was over. Possibly permanently. Oh well. She could deal.

If there was one thing Olivia Benson had learned, it was how to deal. To deal with the unthinkable, the unspeakable, the terrible. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Especially the bad and the ugly.

The words didn't matter; they made no sense. She had relapsed into that unreal, hazy state where she was watching herself move like a marionette through life. The only thing holding her to the ground was the cold piece of metal that was a gun, piercing through her comfortable fog. If she could just get rid of that gun, everything would be okay. If she could just get rid of that gun, she would be so light that gravity itself would no longer be able to hold her and she would float away, into peaceful oblivion.

She needed to get rid of that gun.

She _needed_ to get rid of that gun.

She needed to get rid of that _gun_.

The only question was how. A tricky question, to be sure. How indeed...

Frankly, she had no idea. Whatsoever. But the first step had to be clearing her vision. It simply wouldn't do to try and escape from her would-be-rapist-and-murderer without being able to see. Even a real superhero would have trouble doing that.

Olivia blinked rapidly, shaking her head a little. The little black spots might've faded a little, but not enough to make a significant difference. What was _wrong_ with her? Vaguely, through her battle with those black spots, she heard people yelling. She felt White's chest vibrate as he yelled back, heard a gun cocking. She wondered if this was how it was all going to end. And then her vision cleared once more to reveal the icy cold crystal dome it had been visiting lately. Her vision cleared, and she realized something.

She was really _sick_ of being the damsel in distress.

So she acted. Because, when you have no options left open, the only thing you can do is act. Because doing something, _anything_ strengthens your mind and spirit and takes away the pain of thinking.

Olivia jerked her head back, aiming for White's chin. She felt his body give slightly and ripped away. His finger pulled back on the trigger reflexively, but his aim was bad. The bullet skimmed her right ear but did no damage. Olivia took five halting steps forward, then stumbled. Rather than attempting to get up, some inner instinct prompted her to roll with her fall, escaping behind the wall of navy blue that was her salvation. Bullets peppered the air above her, then stopped suddenly.

The scariest thing about the whole situation was the way her vision tilted and whirled with every movement, every blink of the eye. Every time a muscle twitched in her body, the surrounding area started spinning. After the spinning came the black spots, those dreaded spots that effectively blinded her, stripping her of her sight, taking away her vision. The thought crossed her mind that perhaps she would go blind forever, but she banished it, pushing it away like an unwanted pet.

Olivia could no longer feel her feet. She started to slump forward, but a pair of arms caught her. Arms clad in navy blue. Navy blue meant safety, comfort. Navy blue was the peaceful color of oblivion. Olivia closed her eyes, and let herself sink away.

Just give up, and everything will be fine.

Fine.

Of course, it was almost impossible that anything would be fine. The whole concept was a joke.

The word held hardly meaning for her. It had been quite a while since she'd felt _fine._

The closest she'd ever felt to _fine_ was when she had been with Elliot, in the first years of their partnership. When the job had been new and exciting, and she'd still felt like they were actually doing good in the world. When she hadn't discovered that for every bastard convicted, there was another one waiting to strike. When she hadn't yet realized that it was pretty useless and considered transferring. When tracking down rapists was fun. Because that was the closest she ever got to _fun_ or _fine_.

When she was high on adrenaline was when she felt best. And in those first few years, she was always going through an adrenaline rush. Now, she just felt numb. Blah. The only things that kept her going were Elliot's constant jokes, their friendly banters.

When she got back, that definitely wouldn't be the same.

Olivia smiled drowsily in her sleep, content to just exist. For a while.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N:** A little short, but I have to study for a Spanish exam, write an essay, and do a whole bunch of Algebra homework. Next chapter will have the scene where Elliot has to explain himself... I'm looking forward to hearing that.

* * *

June 9, 2005  
4:05 am

Her vision was fuzzy around the edges, as if she was looking through a tunnel. The raging migraine she'd had for days was gone, to be replaced by an empty, lingering ache in her chest. Her jaw, sore from where she'd clenched it, felt as if it'd had hot nails driven into it. At the end of the fuzzy tunnel was a blank white surface, accompanied by the sickening stench of anesthetics.

Olivia grated her teeth, annoyed at the fact that she was, once more, in a hospital. She wondered if she'd rather be back on the side of I-95 with a gun to her head, and decided in the negative. At least the hospital beds were a whole lot more comfortable than the precinct ones. And the backseat of a car. If it weren't for the smell, she'd almost be comfortable. If it weren't for the smell, and the fact that it was a hospital. Olivia really, _really_ hated hospitals.

She slowly flexed every muscle in her body, checking to see if anything was. Nothing felt too damaged, but the pain in her left calf made her wince slightly. She could deal with that. If it meant getting out of here sooner, she could deal with anything.

"Hey," a voice said next to her ear.

Olivia jumped, sitting up and twisting around. She relaxed when she saw it was Cragen, but didn't lay back down, deciding instead to scoot back so she could lean against the headboard.

"Hi, Cap."

"You feel okay?"

"Considering I was kidnapped, shot in the leg, and have had a non-stop migraine for as long as I can remember, I'm fine."

"You left out drugged."

"_What?"_

He shifted. "Well, yeah… Didn't they tell you?"

"Captain, you're the first person I've talked to since I left my apartment yesterday. The first person I've been able to hear clearly, too."

"Oh. Well. I'm not gonna draw it out. You were drugged. Doc found Marijuana in your system. Said it's been there for about twelve days."

"Woah, woah, woah. Slow down. Marijuana? Like pot? How?"

"Well, I told them you couldn't be using. CSU's going over your apartment to figure that out right now."

"_What?"_

Cragen looked bewildered. "What what?"

"Why are they searching my apartment?"

"Umm… I figured you'd wanna know how it got in your system. You _haven't _been using, _have you_?"

"No! But it's my _apartment._"

"Well yeah."

"Where's Elliot?"

"In the hallway. I didn't know if you wanted him to come in."

Now Olivia was the one who was completely confused. "Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know, Olivia, I thought maybe you wouldn't want to see him. It couldn't possibly be because you've hardly spoken to him in sixteen days and the two of you are always snapping at each other, making each other's lives hell and _my_ job really hard, now could it? No, that's much too far-fetched. It must be because I hate you and want to make you miserable for the rest of your life."

"He's still my partner," Olivia muttered. "Fine. Leave him out there in the hall wondering if I'm dead or not."

Cragen rolled his eyes. "I swear, the two of you are like a couple of three year olds." He scooted his chair back and got up, looking back at the door.

"Benson, be more careful from now on, okay?"

"Sure, captain. I doubt Elliot's ever gonna let me out of his sight again, so you don't really have to worry."

"With you two, I _always_ have to worry."


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs...They're not mine.

**A/N:** This chapter might be changed in the future, but for now I think it'll work. It seems a little bit choppy to me, but I need it to move the plot forward. You know you care. :)

Thanks for reading.

-~…~ indicate thoughts when already italicized.  
-_This_ indicates memory, thoughts, or emphasis.  
-_A_ word_in normal text surrounded by italics indicates emphasis in an already italicized phrase.

* * *

_

June 9, 2005  
4:06 am

Elliot looked bad. Really bad. As in, worse than Olivia felt. His clothes were rumpled and his eyes baggy. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week. Maybe he hadn't.

When he spoke, his voice was raspy, tortured, as if it had been overused lately. "Hey."

It took all of Olivia's willpower not to be drawn into those clear blue eyes and lose herself in them forever.

"Hi."

On further survey, she saw the torture in his eyes, too. It hurt her very core to see him like this, to know that she was the cause of it. He took Cragen's vacated chair and scooted it closer, leaning his elbows on the bed. The sigh that emanated from him was sadder, deeper, than any Olivia had ever heard.

"You okay?" she asked.

He grinned weakly. "Seems like I should be the one asking you that question."

"Huh. Tell me about it. Cragen tells me there was pot in my system."

"Yeah… about that… You aren't using, are you?"

"No! Elliot!"

He shifted uncomfortably. "Just checking. Olivia?"

"Yeah?"

"You still mad at me?" His voice was pleading. With that tone of voice, she couldn't stay angry, no matter how hard she might try. It just wasn't possible.

"I guess not," she replied.

"Thanks for that, I guess."

She stared at her hands for a while before asking the question she'd been itching to ask since seeing him again.

"So… why?"

Elliot refused to meet her eyes, choosing instead to fixate on a point just above her ear.

"I'd prefer not to talk about it."

"Elliot, I'll find out eventually. I always do."

"Why do you always have to be such a detective?"

She just raised an eyebrow and waited for him to explain.

"Well, Liv… Promise not to kill me when you recover?"

"It can't be that bad, can it?"

"Kathy's pregnant."

_What? _ Olivia couldn't even describe the rush of emotions that shot through her at those two words. A swirling mixture of anger, jealousy, and bitter sadness that flooded her senses and made her head hurt again. It throbbed through her chest and settled in her stomach, a sickening dull ache sending bile shooting up her throat. She felt a pricking burning in the back of her eyes and blinked rapidly to keep back tears.

Her voice was the tortured one now; it barely made it out of her mouth in a faint whisper.

"When?"

He still couldn't meet her eyes.

"I don't know, before we separated. The divorce was going to be finalized yesterday. Three days before the signing, she shows up at my apartment with a suitcase, telling me she's pregnant. What'd you want me to do, Liv, tell her to leave?"

Olivia felt her heart crack a little bit more. She forced all emotion out of her voice, forced herself into detective mode. Forced herself to forget, to block out.

"I couldn't ask you to do that, Elliot. I wouldn't expect you to. I _would_ expect you to tell me the truth. If you'd just explained yourself straight up, this wouldn't be happening. If you'd just managed to man up and tell me _what the_ _hell was going on,_ I'd be okay with it, if-"

"Olivia-"

"No Elliot. I don't want to hear it. You kissed me that morning, _after_ you took Kathy back in. _After _you became a married man. You knew I never wanted to be that other woman, but you couldn't deal with the shame of looking me in the face and telling me it was over. Well, Elliot, it's over now. You're a lying bastard and I don't know if I ever want to speak to you again."

"Olivia, _please._"

"I deserve better than that, Elliot. No. Get out."

"Liv! Just think abou-"

"Elliot. Get. Out. Now."

He cast her a look that froze her heart when he reached the door.

"Bye, 'Liv."

The door closed gently behind him.

"Bye," she whispered.

June 9, 2005  
5:30 am

Elliot turned over, unable to sleep. Olivia's face floated in his thought, her accusing glare piercing into his heart. He desperately wished he could turn back time, turn it back just three days to when he'd thrown Olivia at the mirror. Ever since then, life had been beating her about the head with a club. She was at possibly the worst point in her life, and he'd gone and made it worse.

Kathy shifted position and mumbled, and for a moment Elliot hated her for making Olivia's life miserable. But he couldn't seriously convince himself Kathy was responsible. He had no one to blame but himself.

Everyone always said the first step was to admit your flaws to yourself. Elliot did so now. _I am an idiot. A complete, utter idiot._ He'd taken one of the best things in his life and crushed it, mashed it underneath one heel and kicked the pieces under the rug. He'd held his partner's heart, and he'd thrown it away like an old rag. She was right; Olivia deserved much more than that. Especially from him. He'd betrayed her trust, and it had broken her.

And now he had no idea how to fix it.

For the first time in his life, Elliot allowed himself to contemplate defeat.


End file.
